Holding On

I haven't posted in over two months, mostly because I don't really have any updates to share.  But also in part due to the fact that I know some of my former students are readers and I don't want them (or anyone else who has stumbled in) to hear what my inner dialogue has been lately.  I'm that bitter person that others don't want to be around, in person or in cyberspace.  I hate being that person and I hate that anyone who knows me well can see it but I can't seem to shake it.  Being pregnant and then having it disappear has left its mark and I don't know how to fix it.  Time is supposed to heal all wounds but infertility is like that big festering sore that keeps getting ripped open and therefore can never heal properly. 

We have been on hold, trying to save and pay off our debt from IVF while waiting for an income tax return that will pay for a FET.  Unfortunately, I've read too many randoms internet posts about how disappointed other IVFers were that itemizations on Schedule A didn't make that big of a difference on their tax return and now I've convinced myself that we won't get anything back and won't be able to cycle in February.  I had just assumed that having $21,612.92 in medical expenses to claim was going to guarantee a big return when added to the $5,500 in tuition we also paid out in 2011 (yes, we spent that much, no it's not all paid for, yes we did also manage to pay the mortgage and buy groceries on teacher salaries with no help from anyone).

While we've been waiting, my sister had her baby and I love her to pieces.  Lindsey gets sister of the year honors for trying so hard to be considerate of my feelings.  I hate that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me but appreciate that she makes the effort.  Two close friends also announced their pregnancies on the same day and I cried big ugly, jealous tears in a bathroom at a work meeting.  Not one but two of my work friends came right into the bathroom behind me to offer their support.  I am that obvious when I'm hurting.  No suffering in silence for me.   

One of the ladies on the bump pointed out a long time ago that someone else having a baby doesn't take away my chance at that baby that's out there waiting for me but it punches me in the gut and sucks the air out of my lungs when a pregnancy announcement comes out of nowhere.  Again, I hate being that person but I don't know how to stop it.  I'm still resisting those happy pills in my medicine cabinet but don't really remember why I was so adamant that I wasn't going to take them.

I'm hanging on, but just by a thread.  I found this on Pinterest and needed to hear it today, so I thought I'd share.