January, 2012 has been rolling around in my head since we found out we were not getting a take-home baby out of our IVF cycle. From that time, we automatically agreed (with zero discussing) that we would wait until "after the first of the year" to try a FET. At the time, it sounded like far enough in the future to not worry about. As in, "we have to wait foreverrrr to try again so I might as well not even think about getting mentally prepared for it."
::fastforward through a busy semester::
Now it's January, 2012 and it's time to get back on the crazy train. Only I'm scared. The reason they tell you to get back on the horse that's thrown you is because if you wait, you'll lose your nerve. I've waited and now I've lost my nerve. From January until September last year I was rolling from one cycle into another and never had time to second guess my decisions. Now I'm haunted by the question, "At what point do we cut our losses and say we won't spend any more?"
I've sent the email to my clinic's financial director asking for the itemized list of my clinic expenses last year. I even opened a new email to send to my IVF nurse, sweet Rebecca, to tell her we will (hopefully) be ready to roll as soon as we get our taxes done. Then I closed it and had a good little cry. I am totally not mentally prepared for another failed cycle. One almost did me in. Two is unfathomable.
I read a bump signature today of a woman who got pregnant for the first time after four fresh cycles and a frozen cycle. I am in awe of the strength it must have taken to keep going time after time. Even without taking into account the fact that we could never afford that many cycles, I could not withstand the emotional trauma.